What Makes A Home?

This is my most personal blog that I have written. I was born a writer and the only way to take emotional strain away is to see my words on a page arranged in the order my heart feels them. I'm sentimental and homeless. Im not homeless in the sense that I live on the streets and accept peaches and water from strangers, I'm homeless in that I don't have a "home."

I moved from South Africa to Las Vegas and then Reno then my parents moved from Las Vegas to California. I'm fragmented from my childhood in South Africa, my teenage years in Las Vegas, and when I move to Southern California, I will be a ten hour drive from my college years.

I am moving to a new house and with the move comes giant changes. With the move comes the end of summer.. which means my best friend moving back to her home and the start of my last semester. It also means I have only six months left in Reno.

I hate Reno. I do. I really really do. It's not my favorite place however I have spent four years of my life in this place. It was last Friday and I was sitting with a close friend at a table on the patio of one of my favorite Reno gem's, Silver Peak, eating a delicious sandwich, when i thought "I will miss this." Reno has grown on me but more and it terrifies me thinking of moving again.

I have been moving all my life since I emigrated and it certainly feels like i have no home. I also think this is where most of my commitment issues come from. When you move around so much you tend to stay away from forming romantic bonds. It scares me because in my heart I know I will probably keep moving. I think a small part of me longs to be a nomad and travel from place to place seeking new adventures and fascinating encounters. The other part of me craves stability and routine.

I love Southern California but its not home. So maybe some people are really really lucky and get to call the house and city they grew up in "home" but for the rest of us, maybe our home is people. You see buildings, parking lots, houses and coffee shops can all be built in every place and in every country, but maybe its the people that fill them that makes each building, parking lot, house, and coffee shop feel like "home."

So maybe we have multiple homes and sometimes those homes move or you move away from them.. then what do we do? I guess we try to keep them as close to our heart as possible and feel comfort that with good technology and the gift of flight.. you can go home again.

My room is empty, my dream catcher is boxed, my marilyn posters on the floor and my painting of Paris pressed up against my empty dresser and as glad as I am to leave this really gross college apartment, I almost feel like I'm saying goodbye to two years.

I guess I will see what the next six months bring me in the biggest little city. How much useless stuff I will accumulate, how many "one too many drinks"nights I will have, and how many tears I will shed when I move once again.

Life is journey and maybe some of us find our home and stay there, and maybe for the rest of us, we have lots of little homes along the way.

Most people say home is where the heart is, but I say the heart is where home is. because in our hearts we keep all the little homes and loved ones we've accumulated along our journey and in our hearts, we carry all those homes and special people with us all the time.

JG